Dementia Family Coaching with Faith Marshall

Podcast

Podcast Guesting

Answers For Elders Radio Network

Communicating with those with Alzheimer’s (Part 4)


This hour with Dementia expert Faith Marshall of Awakenings Hypnosis & Coaching deals with how to communicate with loved ones facing Alzheimer’s and dementia. This segment recaps the previous segments and focuses on how Faith Marshall can help families faced with this situation.

Transcript

The following Answers for Elders podcast features, author, innovator, Alzheimer’s and Dementia Family Coach Faith Marshall.

And welcome, everyone, back to the Answers for Elders radio and podcasts network with the wonderful Alzheimer’s and dementia expert, Faith Marshall.

Faith we’ve had an incredible hour talking about you, know, meeting our love ones where they are and how to communicate most effectively. And certainly there’s been so many tips that you’ve given in this hour and we’re really excited to kind of just close this hour up with some really good, solid, just kind of a recap, as well as how you fit into the picture, and you know how you can help families.

I’m going to start the segment because, of course, most of our listeners know that I used to work in with Tony Robbins years and years and years ago. But one of the things that Tony always says is the quality of your life is the quality of your communication. And when you really think about that statement it sounds very trite and funny. But you know it really is true. How are we communicating most effectively and what is our energy? How are we dealing with life and certainly in our best areas, we all have different abilities and different strengths, and some of us are great communicators. Some of us are not so great communicators, but we have to remember that we have to meet our loved ones where they are and faith. You are such a great resource for families, because, obviously you come in and you can kind of observe, obviously the dynamic do you not and how? How do you help families communicate? Thank you so much Suzanne. First, I want to just take off on what you just said about about communication, so we’re used to communicating two way and getting feedback from our. What we’re saying we’re used to visual response to what we’re saying, whereas when you’re dealing with someone who is neuro-cognitive decline, they may not give you that reaction that you’re looking for, and so you start seeking rigor of a two way communication.

So it’s another trick when you’re communicating with someone this way versus how we’re used to communicating like you- and I are just having a conversation here right and if you’re talking to someone and they’re not giving you visual response or they’re, not giving you verbal response. It’s like there’s this filter in the way and the alter is called dementia. But we need to be mindful of that communication and just assume that they’re understanding what we’re saying person centered cares, the focuses on them and all of that and and interpreting that as if it were positive sure not allowing it to shift what we’re trying to say and then and that in itself that communication is truly the key, but now we’re dealing with this. This filter, this green, that’s in the way, and so being mindful of that, and not taking it personally that they’re not responding to me and they’re not smiling back at me, because they just aren’t aware that they’re not smiling right and not taking it personally, and you talked about that with Tony too.

It’s just not not taking it personally, and so I think the person centered care and focusing on them and like we talked about before, is the respect respecting them, assuming that they are interpreting what we’re saying and that it is clear and then responding to whatever happens in the most positive way that you can and and just trusting that they’re they’re in charge. Tthey’re the one leading the show here and you now be on. They may be on a totally different agenda than you intended to, but you’ve got to be able to pivot, and course correct, and the family dynamic is a huge part of this, and that’s where it’s kind of like family counseling, really what what needs to happen is putting yourself aside and putting the putting the patient or the parent or the loved one or the spouse, whatever the case may be first and then, through all of that dynamic of communication and friction and everything, managing your energy and doing what you need to do. Step outside go in the bathroom have a good cry whatever it takes to do.

That shift and to be present in the best way that you can and if you feel yourself going sideways figure out how to take a break figure out how to have someone help you and what you’re saying I rings so true, because I was sharing the story with someone yesterday and I don’t remember who it was now, but one of the things that I talked about yesterday was the fact that I don’t know what I would have done taking care of my mom. Had I not had someone that intervened and helped us come together. My mom had dementia, but my mom and I all of my life were not close at all. I was angry with my mother and I was angry because she was very different than me.

She didn’t acknowledge the things that I was good at right. She was not, and so I had all this baggage about my mother, but there was a major incident in my life that I called for her to come be with me, and she chose to take cert care of somebody else instead and it was probably the biggest tragedy of my life right, and so that was like resentment and anger, and all of those things that I was hanging on to that I didn’t even realize right, and so when we were stuck with each other and when I say that mom was angry, she was angry number one because she didn’t she had to leave her hometown. She didn’t want to be in Seattle right, but that’s where I live, so guess what that’s where she had ended up. Number two was, she was very you know she was scared. She didn’t know anybody. She was in a new place, all of those things and then the third thing was. She did not feel close to me because we had a didn’t, have a good relationship and then the final. What thing was she didn’t want to burn me, which I was going like? What in the world are you talking about so here we were at this impasse with two two women that were very strong it, but in very different ways, but we had somebody like you that came went to us and helped us.

You know when she started to say things she would say to me: Suzanne be quiet and then she brought out what is my mother was trying to say, and vice versa, and what happened was in this early stages. We learned to appreciate each other. We learn to come together. I let go of all of this B s. That was in my the back of my head that I was still angry with her right and it’s like, but you’ve realized those things. When you look at this, how many times does this happen in families? Our our situation was not unusual. You know this happens all the times in families, but I misinterpreted her. She misinterpreted my anger as I was just not at her period, but what it was was that we were to hurt people right, and this is very common in family. So I think one of the things that you can do faith is really come into a situation where you’re seeing things from a completely objective viewpoint, just like the person that worked with US did yeah and- and thank you for US- find that. Thank you for saying that, so I believe in counseling and that’s what coaching is really is listening and hearing and helping them reframe it, and so by being a family coach. It means that I have individual conversations so that there’s someone they can, I’m someone they can trust to vent to to help them getting clarity on it. Just like what you just explained, as well as realizing that they need to empower themselves to know that they’re doing the best that they know how to do right now with given the information that they have and just making it more harmonious is the goal and what I takes. It takes a lot of effort and a lot of co operation for a family M, and it’s just it makes it so much more pleasant and gives so much more peace of mind with knowing what the next step is, because fear kind of creeps in in all of these areas as to what’s next.

You know I’m dealing with this now. This is so hard. It’s only going to get worse, but if you find the next step solution, which might be an inner um care solution with having a caregiver come in four hours on a Wednesday to give you a break, there are solutions that can help with some of this because you feel like you feel like you cannot escape the drama, that’s being presented so finding those escapes through a conversation with a coach and someone that you can trust. You can be completely honest with you, don’t have to hold back how you’re feeling, as the daughter that wasn’t really appreciated by mom and all those you know. Early Childhood stuff sometimes comes up, and then it’s amazing to me that that somebody, like you, okay, the person that we worked with they were able to get to the core issues in like twenty minutes that you’ve been struggling with for decades yeah it’s list, it’s we’re trying to listen and hear for the deep stuff right. I’ve had friends that, like are like. Why do you have to go to the deep and deep end of the pool? It’s like, because that’s how you stop it right, you just not in the shallow, and it was like. You know when I think about that session, that we had and I go. What are you talking about? Mom? You don’t want to burden me. It’s like it is the greatest gift in the world that I get to be with you at the most. You know precious time of your life yeah, it’s an honor, it’s a privilege for me to do this rea and she just looked at me with this. Like are you serious and she was stunned, but you see this is where families come together and she’s angry at the situation, but yeah. I wish the likely person to take it out on, and I was angry back because I didn’t know how to deal with her. So what happened was: was this a miracle healing and at the end of our life? It’s like. I always talked about it.

You know I have an epilogue in my book and I talk about what happened from my my caregiving experience, but one of the things is my mom and I were able to come together even in her state of dimension as she escalated, and I think this is the thing that that understanding number one to become an advocate and to have somebody like you that helps coach families to be that person that we can have this amazingly beautiful outcome at the end of a loved one’s life, and I think that’s both of our goals. Is it not yeah and, and I teach families the tools of using what’s called the Montessori method, where you’re repeating things that you need them, you need to help them. Remember, be it your your daughter’s name is Gen and then flipping it and asking them. What is your daughter’s name and they repeat Gen you go through that repetitive process, just like Montessori kindergarten you’re using that with them to help them recall things that are important, and I’m just excited that I will be graduating as the nightingale dementia consultant, and I will actually be able to help families with the early diagnosis and doing those diagnostic tests to help them define for those people who are curious and don’t know if their love one has dementia helping them. Take those first steps to assessing what stage they might be and and directing them to their physician for all the tools and things that they need as well. So I I will be adding that to my practice, my coaching practice and helping with the patient directly, and I’m just really excited to be able to do that faith.

We are so excited to have had you this hour and certainly to each and every one of you all of face. Information is coming up as, as we conclude this con this podcast, we hope you will reach out to her. You can also find her at AnswersForElders.com under specialists. She is there and we look forward to having you experience such an amazing person that helps us through the times of later life with our live ones. So thanks again, Faith, for being with us.

-Thank you so much Suzanne.

Communicating with those with Alzheimer’s (Part 3)


This hour with Dementia expert Faith Marshall of Awakenings Hypnosis & Coaching deals with how to communicate with loved ones facing Alzheimer’s and dementia. This segment focuses on tips for providing energy, important for creating a flow of positive communication.

Transcript

The following Answers for Elders podcast features, author, innovator, Alzheimer’s and dementia family coach Faith Marshall. And welcome back, every one, to Answers for Elders, as we are speaking with Alzheimer’s and dementia expert Faith Marshall. And Faith, we are talking this hour – this is an incredible time, because we’re talking about communicating with those with Alzheimer’s, dementia- and we talked in our first segment for those of you that maybe just are joining us, on our first segment about you know just kind of the framework and the structure of a mind of someone with dementia.We talked the last segment about, you know, just tips and communication, and things like that. But we’re going to go to the next step in this segment and talk about energy. Energy is so important in creating kind of a flow of communication, because, obviously, if if dad or mom are, you know, obstinate or stubborn or things like that that they run into or they have a reaction to something? That’s totally weird, because that happens to does it not Faith? -Yes it does. -So obviously this is an important topic. So welcome back, Faith. And what do you? How does a family member think about energy?
-I that’s a hard thing to answer per person, but most people don’t understand how our energy can change or alter a situation, or a room. You’ve heard people talk about, “Oh when so and so got here it just, It changed the energy in the room,” and sometimes that happens because a person’s presence can either change it to the negative. If they’ve had a bad day and they’re grumpy or if they’re, very, very positive and exuding loving energy, you can feel it and most people don’t recognize it. But some people do. Some people are more energy sensitive than others. One of the fastest ways to shift the energy to positive is introducing music There’s all these different frequencies of music that can be used as well. You can use YouTube and have a calming background going, but it doesn’t have to be music that you’re going to dance or sing to, but it can be a calming environment by presenting that in the background, and I encourage people to maybe not keep the news-talk radio on, because that just has a different tone to it for some men if you’re listening to sports, that’s very uplifting for them, because it triggers memories of being at, for instance, a Seahawks game and the energy that you feel when you’re in the stadium. Just listening to that in the background or shifting to listening to a game, maybe you’ll have to record a game to play it again for them. But I encourage people to try that to shift that moment of obstinance that you might be encountering right, you might have to park the whole idea of trying to get in the shower right now, but just work on shifting the energy first. So that then you’re in a more cooperative state.

Well- and I think you made a really important statement that when somebody enters the room and they can bring down the whole room, if you’re having a family gathering and mom or dad are in a mood, it can change the whole dynamic of the mood, and sometimes it’s almost better to ignore the mood, because that you know, obviously you know, that person in all my Tony Robbins experience, the person that is most committed to the emotional state is the one that will invent end up affecting the other person. So you learn that in sales you learn that in you know, in any sort of area of influence, is you know to a certain degree, even though somebody might be cranky, it’s probably because they’re fearful, they might feel vulnerable and that’s their way of protecting themselves, because they may not feel safe in the environment, and it may not have anything to do with the fact that you know that family members are that you are physically safe. It might mean that they are not necessarily tracking or having a good day. They might not feel good at feel well and they don’t know how to explain it. I know my mom whenever I knew right away when she was starting to get a UTI, because that would trigger a higher degree of dementia, and she’d start get the paranoia, because she didn’t feel good, and that was just how she operated. So I know with with a lot of the times we just don’t think about little things like that of how can we specifically deal with the energy hand?

And part of that sometimes is the fact that just ignore the the barbs and the you know the things that come out, because those are normal, but just stay the course in a positive light. I mean, wouldn’t you say, that’s true yeah and, and we don’t have to have a conversation to shift their energy. You can just learn on whatever music. You think you know that helps them as you can. You can use music with my mom, because she was a dancer. We could. We knew which songs that she had learned to dance to and she would it would trigger not consciously, but unconsciously, it would change it. It helped to shift her mood, so you just have to be mindful of the whole environment, not just the conversation. The whole environment pets are a really good indicator of what the energy is. That’s happening. If you’ve ever had a friend come to visit, and you don’t you don’t sense anything, but your dog inadvertently growls at them and that’s a big signal to listen to or the dog will not leave them alone. They just love them, they’re all climbing all over them, because they love that energy. Using that as a gauge or an awareness, I guess, is what I’m trying to say is that we don’t always realize what energy were exuding if we just had a crappy day at work check yourself at the door before you come in to visit mom, because you’re going to bring that in into the room with you.

So the tools that are best are music and smells – fragrances. Fragrances can trigger a memory and a comb for my mom. She loved Sierra perfume, and she stockpiled that stuff, my goodness she had it and she she hoped it was going. They were, they were pulling it off the shelves, and so we found so much of the Sierra perfume as a very strong fragrance. I remember it, but, but sometimes I would put it on when I went to visit her and it was a pleasant smell for her. I don’t, I really don’t believe she consciously realized it. You know, like she didn’t say, you’re wearing my perfume like she would have before you can use all kinds of things. Essential oils are wonderful, lavenders, very calming diffusing oils. Just there’s so many things that we can all learn about, and I’d love to be a resource for our listeners on that and have a list of things they can try. And it’s not always about the pill.

The doctor gives them there’s so much more than we that we can do to help upwell and- and you bring up so many valuable points, because it really depends on your loved one. Think about again back to what we first talked about is what are the things that are important to them. My father was a a j, you know a big Van Piano, a player and he played the piano amazing. You know he loved big band music and as of course, that was something that was important to dad my mom. On the other hand, she was very artistic and she would she would, you know, draw with oil, pastels, and so I remember getting her a art book and she drop even like later in her life. She did these amazing pictures of her. You know and but then again she used to be a knitter and she tried to knit again, but that it was too much for her. So sometimes you have to try a little bit with trial and error, see you know what will dial them into the mode, but it was amazing to me to watch her draw to pay.

You know to quote unquote paint, and she did these amazing pictures like better than I’d ever seen and but then it of course, as things progressed in her life, then they got a little bit more and more bizarre, but you and she would draw kind of the same thing over and over again, which is kind of interesting as well. Yeah. No that’s great and gardening can be another thing that can can ground them depend like, depending on what their favorite things are right as flower beds, though everyone yeah yeah yeah, so the memory book can come in Handy with knowing what their favorites are and then you know sometimes it’s not the family, it’s not the family, that’s dealing with them! So that’s where those tools really do help with a caregiver yeah. I used to travel and send postcards to mom as to where I was and the caregivers love that, because they would have the card and say you know she’s in London right now, she’ll be back. You know it says: She’ll be back a certain date, but then mom would go off talking about her days in London, because that was a distant memory for her that she could remember so, there’s all kinds of tools that we can yet- and I I had someone speaking of that I had someone that actually prepared postcards way in advance before they left and they left him with the nurses station.

There you go with memory care and every day mom got a note from from daughter, because she was on vacation, that’s perfect! That was great and was like. It took her like twenty minutes, so that was a family that I talked to and I thought wow what a smart idea of the fact of just staying connected and I’m thinking of you and you’re just making up stuff. They don’t care, but it’s the point of the matter of inclusion again of making sure that you have some sort of an ability to do that and and bring that energy forward, and I think the other thing just really to close out the segment. We have about an a minute left, as I want to t talk basically about your own energy when you walk in the door- and I think some of us are really busy- we are on you know a type a you know we may be coming from work there, we’re in a hurry, we’re thinking about swinging by to see mom or dad. You know before we go home and so we’re just on an agenda right, and it’s really important, I think, is to stop before we walk on the door. Take a deep breath check out your own state because you talked about at the beginning of our segment about pal pets. Pick it up or our loved one will pick it up, be you know, even because we might be answering something too quickly or you know being being impatient because we’re trying to get done. It’s like you know. We have to take off the time clock and we have to take the time necessary. The best way to clear you for me.

The best way to clear my energy is to three deep breaths, and I say that because we don’t realize that when we’re anxious we’re not breathing correctly we’re not we’re not exhaling, so full exhaling and sometimes I’ll, take my shoes off and just stand on the actual earth and or there’s all kinds of things that people do like carrying grounding crystals in their pocket and everybody is different, but you know best what your tool is that works for you, but checking yourself is a big thing and just breathe that doesn’t matter, I’m leaving that in the parking lot and I’m walking in and I’m seeing mom it doesn’t matter that I burn dinner, it doesn’t matter whatever happened. I just need to be present for mom and being present and being present in a loving way is well that’s important and everyone, Faith will be right back to close up this hour right after this. – Thank you.

Communicating with those with Alzheimer’s (Part 2)


This hour with Dementia expert Faith Marshall of Awakenings Hypnosis & Coaching deals with how to communicate with loved ones facing Alzheimer’s and dementia. This segment focuses on what loved ones pick up on inadvertently, sometimes a repetition of a diagnosis that in most cases isn’t positive. Remembering to talk with them, not about them, is key.

Transcript

The following Answers for Elders podcast features author, innovator, Alzheimer’s and dementia family coach Faith Marshall. And welcome back again, everyone, to Answers for Elders for part two of this very important segment on communicating with those with Alzheimer’s and dementia, and we are here with Alzheimer’s and dementia expert Faith Marshall.
And Faith, we are in the conversation, and certainly we talked a little bit about. You know how we keep that respect factor and how we keep that, and you know in our last segment I just brought up something is like walk around the block deal with. You know your own stuff, your check, your ego at the door, all these things, but it really comes down to the fact of you know how do we respect our loved one and and going forward? Because I think that’s a really. You know key scenario in communicating with the lock one that has all timers. Is it not?

-Yes, very much so I experienced this with my mom and I’m studying to be a dementia consultant where I can actually help families with a lot of these steps directly. I’ve learned so much in this year. Long Training that I’ve been in I’m excited to have the tools to help them, and there is so much that the patient picks up on that. We are not aware of. We might have just come home with the doctor from the doctor. We’ve got all the information that the doctor has shared were on the phone with our brother, passing on all that information, as if the patient isn’t present and the patient is getting that repetition of hearing that information that, in most cases, isn’t positive m. So when we’re with the patient, we need to respect them and we need to talk to them, not about them. We need to talk with them and as if they are understanding what we’re saying, even if we have it stuck on our head, that they don’t right, and the other thing to this, too, is like you talked about in the last episode, our energy.

When we’re talking to our brother about what the doctor said, isn’t necessarily a positive energy. So some of those conversations need to happen. They may not be some of the parts of those conversations may not be best served for the patient having it with the patient about the patient without engaging them. Now, some early stage, they’re right there with you. They remember what the doctor just said and you’re talking to them and you’re respecting their feelings about it. Verses, just focusing on the statistics or all the things the medical professionals are geared up to provide for us is not always positive, so we always want to instill hope, yeah and, I think part of how families deal with it is like, for example, a doctor might say, you know: Mom can only have thick and licquet liquors because she can’t swallow, but on the other hand, the flip side of that is the fact that well guess what you know: Mom wants water, and so it’s up to you, if you are their power of attorney or dealing with, that is to be the ER advocate, because sometimes they can’t speak for themselves. So to listen for key things that when you know that person- and when you realize that you know mom doesn’t like you know orange juice and you keep giving it to her and she doesn’t like it. It’s not that she’s refusing to eat. But again it’s paying attention to the details.

I think is one of the things that a lot of us we just get so busy in our days that we don’t think about what are the things that are most important to our left ones. And it’s not about us, it’s not about what we think it’s about. It’s their life still and I think that’s something that sometimes we lose track of. Wouldn’t you so that’s true yeah. Well, I think we get caught up in focusing on the safety and we get caught up in focusing on their nutrition and will you need vitamin C. So the most lasoca logical choice is the orange juice, but we forget that mom prefers great for juice or you know whatever the alternative is somebody told us to do this, so we’re going to do it right and so things just need to be co operative and there’s a lot of thought that has to go into even opening a conversation with them about something and true we’re we’re tired as a caregiver, and the last thing we want to do is negotiate in our head. How to present this, but there’s tools available.

There’s people that can help with those conversations and so that you can focus on yourself and your energy and how you’re presenting this, and I think I think families are trying their hardest and doing their best, but there’s a lot of this stuff that they just don’t know. I didn’t you know you didn’t talk about the patient as her. You talked about you know, Korin or mom, and trying to be open with them about. I want to help you with this. So what? If? What? If we try this and being co operative and being in a loving way and not combative? And basically you know what’s happening today in the news- is not what’s on their mind. No, no and it’s interesting to that. You know when you brought up a really important part, so sometimes we think families that’s most most important, is their safety or that we’re really accurate with information. So when we talk with how’t care, professional or whatever I remember you know, my mom would say something totally that wasn’t true. You know, but it was in her mind. It was true, and I remembered correcting her and and it’s like that’s not what you do it’s like, and I learn things things to a coach.

Like you, someone tol me, you know the truth is pretty much irrelevant when you have altemera it’s their perception, yeah and so it’s learning to again it doesn’t always have to be. You know it doesn’t the details always don’t have to be correct and an understanding that piece that sometimes you know we may view things as a different way than than your loved one is, but their reality is their reality and and sometimes that can get lost in the in the you know, picture. I think the other part of of you know. Respect factor is how many people say mom, you know, remember, remember when we did X, I Z well, mom may not remember so it makes yer feel bad or dad do you remember you always like to go fishing to Lake Land and dad doesn’t have any memory of that, because that was only you know a long time ago that he may have lost that piece and in understanding that when you start asking those questions, it can put them in a in a difficult situation because they feel like they’re left out, because they don’t remember exactly, and I also think that the word remember is a trigger. It is to form a block because they’ve been told that they can’t remember they’re realizing they can’t remember so. That word is not really a positive reinforcement. It’s more like we used to go fishing at that lake, that really pretty lake that you know Blah Blah Blah. Was it Lake Shalan and and see?

If, if that, that’s a great way to do it, yeah using the word remember or people would come to visit and say: Do you remember my name? Well, I would probably mess that one. I know exactly exactly yeah and and- and the thing is, is that again, just remembering, I think the other thing is sometimes it’s easier to, like you said, give them all the information up front and then just say: What do you think mom or what do you think dad how you know how about if we go to lunch, which is that a good you know? What do you think? So, it’s all of a sudden, it’s making it’s an inclusive mindset. Yeah feeling like this is where we are today, and you know how about, if you know we do this together right. So we, what are you hungry for I’m hungry for fish and chips hint hit yeah, but but it’s like it’s like that, helps to get them to. Maybe you know activity that you want to do and yeah yeah and the other you know we’ve talked about it in other episodes. The other factor to all of this is that they’re they’re, your mom and you you’re, seeking your seeking information from them, and we have that fear that they’re, forgetting us and all those underlying things that unfortunately just need to be checked at the door for the moments and talking to friends and helping clear that out without involving the patient themselves and just have the focus be on the patient, and I think so many of us just want to do what’s right, but we don’t have the tools to know what that is right, and we don’t know that talking to our brother on the phone about what the doctor said, all the negative things is the wrong thing to do. We feel like we’re, including MOM, we’re not talking about or behind her back Truso, it’s dance, it’s truly a dance.

I think too, the way you know the way we look at all of this and as we’re moving forward is to make sure that we’re always thinking about inclusion rather than exclusion, and I think some of the things that you know family discussions may go on behind the scenes, but realize that there’s things that we can always do to respect that relationship and to make sure that mom or dad or you know, aunt or uncle or whatever is included in decisions to what they’re capable of- and I think that’s really. We really where we’re at is understanding that you know we can do a lot of the things behind the scenes where we’re not demeaning them in front of them, because even you know I have heard like you said I, if your loved one is stage five six, you know in all timers they’re still going to pick up certain dialogue and that’s important and in terms of our senses as a hospice volunteer. I’ve always taught people that the hearing is the last to go so their my eyes may be closed. They can’t hear you, but they can’t communicate with you, but they can still hear you and what you’re communicating to them shouldn’t be the negative of pulling the plug or whatever is going to got to happen. It should be the positives of you, know, accepting and mom. We love you and if you want to go, you can go ready, a whole other episode, but just the fact that don’t forget that they can still hear you whether you think they can or not, because the hearing is always somehow miraculously conscious.

That’s a really good point that you bring up and, and certainly one of the things you brought up to was energy, and I think what I would love to talk about. Our next segment is how to change the energy when, if you’re dealing with an antagonistic you know, maybe Dad’s antagonistic dad, doesn’t want to move anything like that. What can we do to change that? And so, everyone, Faith will be right back right after this. -And that’s one of my most exciting topics to talk about.

Communicating with those with Alzheimer’s (Part 1)


Families have noticed an escalation of Alzheimer’s and dementia symptoms after having been separated from senior loved ones for so long during the pandemic. This hour with Dementia expert Faith Marshall of Awakenings Hypnosis & Coaching deals with how to communicate with loved ones facing Alzheimer’s and dementia. This segment provides a background into the mind of someone who has Alzheimer’s, and how to maintain the respect of our loved ones in the face of frustration and a lack of understanding.

Transcript

The following Answers for Elders podcast features author Innovator, Alzheimers and Dementia Family Coach Faith Marshall. And welcome everyone to another four- part episode on the Answers for Elders podcast network, as we are talking to dementia and Alzheimer’s expert Faith Marshall. -Faith, welcome back to our program. – Thank you! Suzanne! It’s always enjoy being here with you. -It is great for you to be here too, because obviously, there’s lots of things happening in the world and as we get back to you, know, there’s fall in the air and certainly lots of things happening with families and they’ve been through summer time, and now they’re inside and and seeing their loved ones.Obviously, and many have had our seniors sadly, a lot of escalation of Alzheimers and dementia due to a lot of depression from the pandemic from you know, being quarantined for so long and all of these things, and so, I know, Faith for us we’re getting a lot of phone calls of, I don’t know what’s going on with my loved one. You know whether it’s, it’s a scenario of their refusing to bathe. They’re refusing to, you know, take care of their every day daily activities, things like that, and so you know I’m really excited about today’s podcast, because we’re going to be talking today about communication with those with Alzheimers and dementia. You know, I think we as families get a lot of concern about, you know, frustration. We don’t necessarily know how to reach them in the best way, especially because we don’t understand the mind as it’s on dementia, and you certainly have done a lot of research in this area. So tell us a little bit Faith, if you would, just kind of give us a background into the mindset of someone who has Alzheimers.
Well, that’s a hard task! So I think that it starts with the label of a diagnosis and when a when a patient is diagnosed, every one is confused and every one is in fear and we somehow detach the person from the diagnosis and we’re dealing with. You know that label of dementia and Alzheimer’s, and that’s where most of the, most of families’ questions come from right. So what we need to remember is just like you went to the grocery store and you just forgot your list, and so then you couldn’t remember what was on your list? It doesn’t change who you are. -No, it does not. -You just forgot right and what I see happening is we start to deal with them because of our own emotions being on that roller coaster. That just happens.

Naturally, we start to detach from the person right. So what is really best is remembering who the person is and in meeting them there and you- and I have talked about this meeting the patient, where they are right right, if you think of it from a perspective of that person is just forgetting they’re, not right or not in charge of you know, making these choices that they’re, forgetting something it’s just happening. Just I think you forget your grocery list exactly well and I think also there’s a perception with the the individual that has all simmer ship dimensio, that they’re not being forget them, that they remember things differently and it isn’t that they’re rewriting history intentionally. It’s the fact that how the synapses is not just is not connecting in a normal way, so it, like you, said their individuality who they are, what they like. What they dislike never goes away, and I think one of the things that we as families need to remember is: What is it that we can do to make sure that we always honor the things that are most important to them? And I think that is you know, maybe in the early stages we tart start talking to them about. You know little things like – I remember, I’ve talked to another dementia consultant a long time ago – and they talked about the fact that how many times does a senior going to a memory care unit and they don’t know how they took their coffee. You know, maybe they would like coffee in the morning, but they like two lumps of sugar. Instead of no sugar, you know- and it’s not necessarily – we may think that that’s an unusual thing, but I think one of the things that is really important for families to do right up front is to make sure that we’re on the same page of what are our loved ones likes and dislikes.

You know do and, and how many covers do they like on their bed, because there will come a day likely that they won’t be able to speak for themselves, and I say something that best thing that we can do is family members is to honor that, and so you know a lot of what you’re saying is absolutely accurate yeah and thank you for bringing that up. There’s an excellent book called The Memory Keeper . – I love it. – I can’t remember the author off the top of my head -Della Street. -Yes, it’s great way for people ahead of time to. I gave a copy of that book to my friend who had cancer, who wanted her grandson to remember her, so she could write down answer all those questions of the things that important know who she was, and so it has. It has many more uses than just dementia, but it’s like a journaling prompt, and it asks questions that you don’t think to tell someone. And like you said, so, if you, if you’re in an environment- and you like your coffee with two creams and one sugar, and they give you black coffee, you just don’t want it, but you can’t tell them why you don’t even know why no just doesn’t taste right right so person, centered care is the key here for trying our best to help help the patient feel as normal as we can help them feel.

We need to put ourselves aside and focus on them and giving them choices that are choices that they would. You know like to make and either or I’ve said many times it’s like dealing with the five year old. You know, if you want to do you want to go to lunch or do you want to play in the park? Yeah emphasize the one that you want them to do. It would take a shower before we go out to lunch, or do you want to eat here, yeah and and in a way it’s you know you you’re you’re in charge, but you’re, allowing them to feel like they’re in charge. Well and it’s you comes right down to the mindset of allowing them and honoring them with with dignity. It’s like they are a full person, whether they’re in no matter what stage they are in and- and that is one of the things that I think a lot of times. Families get frustrated not because they don’t love their loved one because they do, but they feel like they’re in a scenario where they are so frustrated, trying to communicate that it can come out as frustration or anger towards that person, and it’s not it’s just the fact that that person doesn’t have the synapses connectors in their brain to be able to process what you’re telling them.

And so you know, I always say to families it’s like if you get feel a sense of frustration, leave the scenario I remember taking care of my mom and I would walk around the block. She was in a skilled nursing facility, but she had dementia and she would say things she still knew how to push my buttons. Even when she was more advanced, she would say things. Sometimes it would just you know I could just feel the blood boil. You know because she was pushing my buttons and I had to learn to take a breath and say mom, I’m going to. I have to run a quick ear and I’ll be right back and then I d dealt with my issues later. I had to realize that you know I had to move out of this mindset and to go on a walk to get. You know, release your Situa. You know yourself from the situation. Even if it’s a you know around the block to you know to laugh or to move. It is such an important part of making sure that we as families stay centered through this process. So I’m glad you brought that up, because something else that happens that most of us aren’t aware of at the time is when something triggers us. Our energy changes. Our whole energy field, changes and pets always react to that. Most of us have experience with pets, not understanding why we’re tense. You know what’s happening, and then they start following you around well for humans. We try to you, know, step back so you’re, trying to accomplish something with a person and you’re trying to force them into doing something. It doesn’t at that point. What you’re saying isn’t what matters most? It’s your energy, so taking a walk, walking outside breathing. Whatever can help you get back to having that loving heart that is the most co operative energy to be in then their response will be better right and folk and, focusing on them and realizing you’re- Putting yourself aside, it’s not time for me to deal with my emotions, like you were saying it’s time it’s time for us to- You know, figure out how to get mom in the shower or how to help her understand. You know that this is what she needs to wear now. Mom didn’t like wearing pants that didn’t sip up, but pants that zipped up were not conducive to that environment right to changing her to elastic waste. Pants and leggings was a shift for her because she in her mind she was still in corporate America.

You know dressing up for work and she was still going to work in the nursing home, but but with that pin- and it’s all about perception- and I think one of the things that we need to think about in this hour is- is kind of some key things to remember, and I think one of the things that I would love to close out the segment with Faith is, I always, there’s a little book out there called The Four Agreements, and I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of it -Yes, I have it yes, -but one of the things it one of my favorite books of all- and it’s truly, I would say one of the best books for family caregivers, because one of the things of the four is take nothing personally. It’s like this is not a personal thing towards you and and so understanding that you’re just on different wavelengths and how to come and fill the bridge.

I think one of the things I would love to talk about the next segment is: What are some key points that we can look at as we move forward in. You know communicating with the love one. What do you think about that? I think that’s great. That would be great, and so everyone again Faith is here. We are talking again about communicating with someone with Alzheimer’s and dementia, and how can you be a better communicator and also take care of yourself in the process, so Faith will be right back, right after this. Thank you, Suzanne.

Caregiver Stress Relief Through Hypnosis (Part 4)


This hour focuses on reducing family caregiver stress through hypnosis. In this segment, Alzheimer’s and dementia expert Faith Marshall of Awakenings Hypnosis & Coaching provides a four-minute sample hypnosis session. Please do not listen while operating machinery or driving. Wait until you’re in a safe place where you can relax, sit, and close your eyes.

Watch this episode on YouTube.

Transcript

The following podcast contains a guided stress-reducing sample hypnosis session. Please do not listen while operating machinery or driving. Instead, wait until you’re in a safe place, where you can sit, relax and close your eyes.

And welcome back, everyone. We are here with Faith Marshall, who is an amazing coach and helper and helping your life be a lot more stress free and we’ve been talking this past hour about self talk about how we are functioning every day about how things trigger US subconsciously, especially when you’re a family caregiver and how to deal with life in general as we go through the path of take trying to take care of a loved one. And Faith, you’ve been so helpful at this this hour to understand a little bit about how hypnosis can help, and you know I am so excited because everyone we’re going to get a treat because we’re going to have an example of what it hypnosis process truly sounds like and looks like. So Faith you’re going to do, as he honor tell us a little bit before you start. What are we about to experience?

Just a couple minutes of Bliss, and I will just ask that if anyone is driving a car right now, you do not listen to this part, I will ask you to sit it quietly in a comfortable chair and close your eyes and we’ll just kind of tune in to calm and Zen for just a couple minutes.

Okay and I will sit back while you’re doing the exercise. So Faith is going to lead to us in through a little bit of a process and it’s going to take only a couple of minutes, just a sampling, but I think it’s really exciting that you’re going to be doing this. So you take it away. Faith.

Thank you, I’m excited too. So again, I want you to be in a safe location and get comfortable in a chair. Lay down on the floor, your bed, a couch whatever is comfortable for you. If you can put your feet on the floor and rest your hands in your lap and take a deep breath in breathe in and as you exhale just feel that tension leave your shoulders. We’re going to take a little trip in our mind, to go to the beach, the beach in front of you, and you can see the waves crashing on the shore you’re, going to kick off your shoes and take a few steps towards that water as you breathe in and you breathe out. I want you to feel all that tension that you’ve had in your neck, the shoulder just leave and just melt down to your feet, and you feel the sun on your face.

It’s just a perfect temperature today and you pick a few more steps towards that beach feel the sand beneath your toes near the water. Whatever you have on your mind is just not important right now, leave it behind you and that fucking not now we’re getting closer to the beach. As you pick a few more stuff and you can hear the water and your toes are starting to sink into that sand and you feel all attention from your legs just just going down, and it’s like it’s just leaving you by sinking into that sand, take one more little step and there’s some water from a wave. That’s washing over your feet, helping to wash that Etona such a relief of such a nice feeling, it’s as if you do not have a care in the world. All your troubles, whatever happened in Your Day, is just O. Take a deep weapon of that fresh air feel that clean on her face it’s washing away with the feet in the sand, with the water coming up washing over your feet and going back out to see it’s just washing away. Each of these anything that you want to just now take a deep breath in and enjoy this moment picture it in your mind and anchor that feeling of feeling calm without a care in the world. It’s just all about you in this moment, taking a deep breath and it without fine minute and just picture this image.

The sounds that you hear the ocean waves, the flight breathes on your face, and I want you to remember this feeling that you feel right now of his calm and take in three deep breaths, breathing in and out, and breathe in and breathe out, and that’s exactly what you need to do to we turn to this pen is three feet rest at any moment, wherever you are, you will turn to the beach by breathing in and breathing out three times.

Now we’re going to turn around and walk back up the beach and I’m going to count to five with one stuff. you start feeling that sand between your toes and coming back into the moment, step to more awake, more alert feel that sensation coming back in your arms and your toes step, three shrug your shoulders a little bit and start coming back a step for roll your neck around a little bit and then step five.

You open your eyes and you just had a little hypnosis break at the beach that you can return to at any time by taking those three deep breath.

Wonderful, thank you. You know it was interesting when you were doing that it was almost like. I was anticipating what the next step was, because I was so in tune with where you were so it was a real natural process, and I also you know I felt the calmness and I do feel much calmer, just even at the two minutes, point in myself, so so this process, obviously is. It was like three minutes long of what we did a little over three minutes and I’m really interested in like if you’re doing a twenty minute session. That’s amazing! I what if I only got this in like two and a half minutes this is this is a powerful exercise and- and you know that also- I was interested too in the in the the three breaths, you know deep, like going in and and connecting yourself back to that beach. So that was really nice yeah!

It’s called an anchor ,and it’s something that you can use, like a color. You can use a fragrance and it can just get you back to that. Calm, no you’re feeling in anxiety coming on over something you just pause and do the three breaths and your back at the beach and it’s a it’s a reboot, it’s a re frame and then you can deal with whatever was you know, presented to you exactly and thank you for letting me share that. Thank you for sharing that. I think that this was a really good exercise on, and you know it truly was bliss because it was giving us some opportunity and those of us that are tape, type, a personalities. We don’t take the time, often time to to do these things for ourselves. So that was a gift to me. So thank you very much you’re welcome so late to so. Obviously you have a special promotion going on and- and I encourage all of our listeners, no matter where you live because you do sessions on zoom. Is that correct, yeah? Wherever you are in the USA, you can pick up the phone and call faith or you can actually go to her website and what’s your promotion that you have going on right, now? For Answers for Elders, we have a $200 gift certificate that people can contact me and use that for their first session. Tthey can gift it to someone else. Just reach out to me, and you can schedule a session for yourself for your loved one, someone that you know that needs it or you can also jump in and and join in on any of my coaching classes, where we do group hypnosis as well.

That’s great now tell us a little bit about those. So on zoom we can all connect from wherever very similar to what we just did now. Only it would be a full hypnosis, cession, that’s shared and the beach. The True Beach Hypnosis is a much longer session than what we just did so yeah we can. I can help families and I can help caregivers just reach that piece of mind and that that calm, that we just experience right individually or as a group. Well, I think it’s really powerful and certainly you know self top and and really getting down to how we can keep ourselves going moving forward in a positive light, I think is so valuable and certainly important in our world. So, Faith, I am so thrilled to have this opportunity. You know you gave us a preview of what you really do and how you help us and for those of you that are that are knowing. Maybe you have a family member that’s stressed out right now, maybe you are concerned about a loved one that you might see really, you know burning the candle at way too many ends.

You know there are solutions to ease stress or to help live and more full vital life, and I think that’s. You are such an important part of that and thank you so much so. How do we reach you?

You can reach me at my website, https://awakeningshypnosisandcoaching.com/ or just a quick call at 855-563-2484 and we can talk, and just see how this can help you. I will work. I would love to help. Well, we hope that you all will reach out to Faith, and thank you again for today, it was really special. Thank you I enjoyed it.

Caregiver Stress Relief Through Hypnosis (Part 3)


This hour focuses on reducing family caregiver stress through hypnosis. In this segment, Alzheimer’s and dementia expert Faith Marshall of Awakenings Hypnosis & Coaching provides a four-minute sample hypnosis session. Please do not listen while operating machinery or driving. Wait until you’re in a safe place where you can relax, sit, and close your eyes.

Watch this episode on YouTube.

Transcript

The following Answers for Elders podcast features author, innovator, Alzheimers and Dementia Family Coach Faith Marshall.

And welcome back every one to Answers for Elders Radio, and we are here with Faith Marshall, talking about easing stress with family caregivers, and how can you utilize a tool of hypnosis to help you improve your life and improve your sanity as you’re, taking care of a loved one and Faith? Welcome back, it’s been a wonderful, enlightening, first half of our segments, our first two segments about you know this process. I think that’s just this is important, so tell us a little bit about if somebody want is interested in hypnosis and they reach out and they contact you. What happens from that point?

Well, the first thing we do is just is have a chat about what what’s going on with the individual, and we all have multiple things that affect us throughout a day and through that conversation will will isolate what would be most helpful to start with, and as we mentioned in the other segments, some of it self talk some of it. They would feel better about themselves if they just made the time to drink more water. Throughout the day it can be an individual choice. It can be an emotional it can be. I want to stop smoking, which is very common with hypnosis, so it’s really individualized to the person. But what I, what I find is a common denominator with care. Giver Specifically, is the burn out and the fatigue and the exhaustion, so my good to would be de-stress.

So if somebody calls- and they talk about that and say I’d like to do it and I sign up for a session what happens in a session?

Well, you just melt into the chair and I enjoy it.

But what does that mean?

If, if someone has, if you’ve done meditation and many of us have heard meditations, the session will start with a calming relaxing muscle, relaxation, there’s different techniques to kind of get you to check out just gently and it’s a relationship with the hypnotist and it’s being comfortable with that hypnotist so that you can feel relaxed. And so the first few minutes of that session are just all about the relaxing and the breathing and the de-stressing by you know inhaling and exhaling and just a slow relaxation and then previous to the session. We’ve talked about what we want to work on and what suggestions we would like the subconscious to help us with and then that part of the session is private to the individual, but they’ll walk away with the recording. So they can listen to it when they go to sleep at night or just they just need to. You know, take a quick break and then it s the a session can last about twenty to thirty minutes, depending on what we’re working on, and the beautiful thing is. Is that when, when we do this countdown to come back undred to three four five on five open your eyes wide open feeling, you know relaxed and refreshed ready for the day full of energy and they’re, just like wow? That was amazing. I’ve never felt that relaxed. Before is what I’ve heard and- and that was just this beautiful calm that and- and you can tell by the look on their face- that they’ve truly enjoyed the experience and they feel better and that’s what it’s all about absolutely absolutely and I’m certain I mean I can only imagine one of the things that I think is really powerful about. This process is really taking the time to determine what you want your life to look like an other words to take a moment just a way I mean how many times do we get an opportunity to sit, set back and and just kind of take an inventory of? Where am I and Yeah my you know? Where am I needing help? What areas you know? What am I saying to myself not to get to a certain point, but also you know. How am I beating myself up because my mom and I have an issue and she’s you know. Even though they’ve got advanced dementia, they still know how to push your buttons truss me right, so, even probably more so, because all the filters are gone but that the idea is obviously is taking that time with somebody. That knows how to ask the right questions to pull that out of ourselves, I think, is so valuable in itself. I think that one of the things that we forget about that we have choices about where we end up in the world where our life is not on auto pilot. We don’t have a predetermined destiny and it’s like each and every one of us could, you know, can make a decision to do something better at any given moment- and you know you know so often my my husband will say to me: Well, they don’t have a choice and I always look at him and I, because of people always have choices. Don’t ever tell me that somebody doesn’t have a choice because they do. We all have choices in our lives and those choices. Are you know what determine who we become and what we live to be, and I think one of the things that that hypnosis could do for so many of us. We have all these we’re making choices every single day. We don’t realize the kind of choices that we’re making internally within ourselves, but to have that ability to recognize what those are. I mean, how are you finding that that changes people’s lives? Well, that rolls into more of my coat the coaching ass aspect. Okay of my practice, and I I encourage people to listen to your body when you’re making a choice, because if you really settle into it, you know, if you get that rock gut feeling that you’re your you just said Yes to something you wish you wouldn’t have said Yes to, and you get that feeling, and you start in that journey in resentment in resentment and then and then you step aside and you think about your other choice. Yeah it could be. It could be a job as an example, and I encourage people to step to the left, focus on what that choice is and feel. Where do you feel what, in your body, do you feel joy? Do you feel tension and then step back to center step to right and ask the other question? The choice can be a relationship could be what to order for dinner you’re not going to get. You know that right significant of a of a reaction with dinner, but it’s an example that your bodies will tell you and you’re listening to your heart, you’re, listening to your the beat of your soul as to what what resonates with me in this choice, and you look back to all the choices we’ve made in our lives and and where we’ve wound up, and you can kind of go back through this trickle and see see when you know you might have taken a detour here, but you still got back to where you were meant to be and where you resonate and, and so many so many caregivers do feel like they didn’t, have a choice. Well, and I think too, when I think about the statistics of caregivers job loss. So many of us I know for me, my whole identity was wrapped around my executive career, my my career, which completely went sideways when I lost my job when I was a caregiver, because I was a digital media right, digital media, they would rather hire. I was fifty five years old and no no. I was fifty two when I lost my job and but fifty two you’re looking at somebody that you know in digital media they’d rather hire the thirty year old. That is, that is going to work for half of what you were making because you’ve built your career up through these years. So people aren’t going to hire you unless you’re willing to take a huge pay cut, and you know it really so re entry into the workforce was an option, Oh and and so when you look at that now, all of a sudden I had to I had to create a new identity. Now, luckily, I had the tools within myself to say: I’m I had this vision within myself, the symbol I saw myself as the Phoenix rising from the ashes. Okay, I had lost everything I lost. My House, I lost my you know my my job, my I felt like my identity, I had the responsibility to take care of my mother. I had the cash in my four or one K, because I had to live on something I mean so here we are right. I had to start from Ground Zero and I was in my early s. It was really powerful, but you know what I wouldn’t trade it that experience for anything in the world and I kept envisioning the Phoenix rising I went. I am not going to let this break me, because I knew that I had the tools to get myself through it. I almost didn’t- and yet I have another friend that I’ve just been talking to just recently she’s been going through a similar job transition where she doesn’t understand. Having had the career for like twenty years at the same company and all of a sudden, a new manager comes in, and she’s marginalized and now put on paid leave right and it’s like she didn’t do anything wrong. But it’s it’s the fact of all the self talk that we do to ourselves, because in were not enough. Yeah you’re setting examples for what so many caregivers go through and then the phoenix rising. So you were looking, you were doing. Your positive affirmation was that journey right and and what we, how our day evolves, is a lot about what’s going on in our head and how we’re what our perception is to people can go through the exact same experience and one of them can be really pissed off and grumpy and the other one still smiling was just his is off the other one more but yeah it’s it’s it’s our mindset, my set is huge and you went through that experience. Thinking that there is, there is a rainbow. There is a light at the end of this and looking forward to it, and that’s so important, and it’s sad that so many people can’t find that rainbow m. When you, when you dwell when we dwell on all the things that are going wrong m, then that’s kind of where you’re at energetically it’s hard to it’s hard to see the rainbow, because your energy is just just it’s an yeah either spend or it’s all over the place when you’re feeling like you’re, you know, concerned so faith. How do we reach you? You can reach me at Awakenings, hypnosis and Cochino and there’s many opportunities for you there. I just encourage you to connect with me and I would love to share a hypnosis recording a beach recording with you. That’s just one of my favorites.

Well, we’re excited I’m going to actually download it because I think it’ll be good for everybody out there. So anyway, Faith will be right back for part for of this amazing powerful hour, talking about rebranding yourself, reawakening to the new things and guess what to living a more stress fit free life if you’re a caregiver.

Caregiver Stress Relief Through Hypnosis (Part 2)


This hour focuses on reducing family caregiver stress through hypnosis. A lot of caregivers put themselves last, with lots of negative self-talk, feeling like they can’t keep up, aren’t good enough, and trying to be everything to everybody. In this segment, Faith Marshall of Awakenings Hypnosis & Coaching talks about how she uses hypnosis to help reverse that negativity. She helps people stand in their own power, make their own choices on boundaries, and embrace them, helping caregivers get into a new mindset. Fatigue affects all caregivers, and we can be hypnotized such that a 20-minute session feels like a four-hour power nap.

Watch this episode on YouTube.

Transcript

The following Answers for Elders podcast features author, innovator, Alzheimers and Dementia Family Coach Faith Marshall.

And welcome back everyone to Answers for Elders Radio, and we’re here with the wonderful hypnotist — in a good way — Faith Marshall, who is also an Alzheimer’s and dementia expert, and also Faith works with family, caregivers. And a lot of things, I think that’s really amazing, as we’ve been talking about hypnosis in our earlier segments of how they benefit family members and, of course, working with family members in that are dealing with Alzheimers and Dementia, but we’re kind of taking a shift today and talking about caregivers. How many of us are taking care of a loved one, we’re living? Maybe you know working a full time job we’re trying to take care of our families, and I would lay you odds that a lot of you are putting yourselves last. I know I did when I was taking care of my mom, and certainly it is an opportunity for us to all get into a new mindset today. So, if you’re taking care of a loved one, I want you to constantly ask yourself well we’re talking today of what kind of questions am I asking myself. I think these are valid things. You know what am I saying to myself every day? What’s my self talk?

So we are very privileged today to have Faith Marshall back. And Faith, welcome back to the show. So Faith, we talked in our earlier segment about just kind of overall of what hypnosis. Doesn’t it s about self talk? So if I, if I’m a family caregiver, you know, obviously what are the co some of the things that a family caregivers usually say to themselves? What have you discovered?

Well, I try to reverse the negative. They just feel that they’re not enough so they’re feeling what they’re feeling like they can’t keep up with the tasks at hand. It’s like it’s like they’re engineering, and you know their domestic engineer, they’re handling everything, as well as the patient, meals and shopping, and just all of the things and and possibly working full time to and trying to do this yeah and so they’re trying to be everything to everybody and the putting themselves. Last and being you know, superwomen or superman and certain cases, and- and I know that especially I wouldn’t I’m going to say- women tend to do this more themselves because we, a lot of us in our age group, haven’t had he that you know the positive reinforcement as children. You know we were. We were taught in many cases not to be the achiever not to be the super star or not to, but we were taught to be the sacrificial lamb. That was the type of you know, prototype that was given to you that you know your measure you’re worth is what you’re going to do for other people and I’m not saying that that’s a bad thing, but also being mindful of your choices and feeling confident of the types of choices that you’re making in your life. I think you know to have that little refresher in your brain, saying you know this is most important to me and I cannot give to somebody else from a from an empty vessel. So obviously, when you are care giving someone, I bet. The first thing you need to work with somebody is learn how to set boundaries and isn’t that just part of a natural tendency that people sometimes have a hard time saying.

Yes, yes, we do have a hard time saying no, even though we can feel it, we can feel that we want to say no, but we’re worried about disappointing someone meeting someone else’s expectations instead of our own. So I help people stand in their own power. First, they have to realize what their power is and what they really want and then make their own choices as to what those boundaries are s and then embracing them and and it’s okay, it’s okay to say no, I’m not going to mow the lawn to this is enough we’re going to pay for that or my brother’s going to come over and do it. So the really the significant thing that impacts all caregivers is fatigue, and there is one my one of my favorite hypnosis sessions is a power nap, so you can hypnotize as we can be hypnotized to the state of such calm, that when we come out of hypnosis, we feel like we’ve just had a four hour nap when we just had a twenty minute, hypnosis cession, wow way more healthy than those energy drinks or a diet, coke or coffee, or all the things that we tend to turn to it. Two o’clock in the afternoon when we’re exhausted- and it’s just a beautiful feeling to come out feeling like you, took care of yourself for twenty minutes and twenty minutes is, is huge for a caregiver to feel that there that they are valued enough to take twenty minutes for themselves. Sometimes they have a hard time even fitting in a shower. So I know that it’s really hard to dedicate that time, but when we can do it, it’s so rewarding and then the rest of the day benefits from it well, and I think one of the things you’re talking about fatigue, but it’s also about family expectations and in certain record you know grooves in our head right. We have reacted to other types of drama within our family and it’s learning to disengage. There’s dysfunctional, you know aspects and every family, a l, let’s just be serious, it’s it goes on the difference is, is how we react to them, and you know I it’s you know I alienated my family to a certain degree, because I refused to triangulate any more it’s like. If you have an issue with somebody, you need to go directly to them. You’re, not going to tell me about something that somebody said or something it’s like nope. I won’t do that. I will not engage in drama. I had to learn that over time, okay, but I realize these kinds of patterns that go on in families talk about fatigue. They weigh you down emotionally and mentally to the point where they’re not healthy, and so you know. Yes, we can have compassion for other people but to understand that its compassion and see them in their highest good to hold them as able to be able to handle their own lives. I don’t have to take on their drama and a lot of times. I think what caregivers do is because we have that empathetic side and because we might be the closest one to a loved one or something like that. We tend to take on those those things: those dynamics within a family. I mean, wouldn’t you agree with that? Yes, yeah, we’ve talked about in another episode about you know the sibling rivalry that surfaces when s just dealing with a loved one and them going into business with their siblings. When they formally, wouldn’t you know they wouldn’t start over the family business. It’s like all of a sudden. It’s like power play and different things like the absolutely yeah. Just because we’re genetically connected does it mean we all think alike, and it doesn’t mean we have the same strength so working with them. You know differently than through hypnosis, but it’s it’s about becoming a team, and if you can have that congruency and communication and harmony, it just becomes a much more effective team and it’s really all about the loved one MMMM yeah so and so learning to make those healthy choices sometimes obviously takes effort, but I’m assuming and with hope, hypnosis it makes makes making those healthy choices easier. I mean, wouldn’t that be yes, your unconscious you’re, so conscious becomes your best friend. So when you think about hypnosis being used for for smoking, cessation for weight loss, the things that people struggle with the discipline they struggle with the choices, they know that they know they want to do it, but he the subconscious, gives you an extra boost that can be applied for so many things. I just mentioned those, because those are the most common uses that are people are familiar with for hypnosis and destressing, for me is a big one. This year, especially after this past year and a half that we’ve all survived, that that to me has brought to the forefront what stress does being confined in a home and for most of us that didn’t have that restriction. It. It made me think about the caregivers that have been confined for much much longer than just those of us that were all upset about it because of the pandemic. So it’s an awareness, it’s it’s an empathy and it’s reaching out to these caregivers and helping them to and and hypnosis can help the person hypnosis can help the loved one hypnosis can can be shared. It’s just a it’s. It’s kind of like just making the pavement a little bit smoother sure for the day, then all the bumps and the curves and the speed bumps in the pot holes and everything that you encounter. You know you bring up some really valuable points and I’m curious about you know we, you mentioned the word resentments and I think that’s a big one. I think there’s resentment with the caregiver of you know the rest of my siblings Kingo live their life as normal, and I’m stuck here right. This can build up. Can I can hypnosis help with things like forgiveness or you know healing within yourself? As far as to let go of those types of emotions, I mean: How does that help? In those cases, I think hypnosis can help with with everything that were that we need to reframe in our head right. Getting to the point of forgiving. Someone is always a good step to take because living our life with the rear view mirror is not helpful. We need to move forward so stepping over that threshold and getting past it and yes, hypnosis- can help. I it’s so individualized with each person. What I would like to do is offer calming hypnosis recording for caregivers to be able to download and and just try that for themselves in a moment when you’re in the bathtub or you’re just resting, you’re somewhere, where you can have some peace and quiet- and I will my favorite- is a beach hypnosis that I do where you’re walking on the beach and filling the sand between your toes and just feeling that stress leave you through your feet and if you think about that, if you just visualize the beach and you hear the waves and all of that, no matter what that chatter is it’s going to dissolve a little bit and we can relax your shoulders and you can think into that sand. Even if it’s a visual of visual as if you are on the beach can still help there’s a lot of work that hypnotists do where you’re actually connected with EGS to the brain, and you can see the brain activity changing, as these words are being spoken well mean I wouldn’t I want to get into more of this in our next segment. But in the meantime, Faith, how do we reach you?

You can reach me at https://awakeningshypnosisandcoaching.com/, and I would like to offer a recording for you so hop on there and I’ll have that up for you to be able to download and just see how it makes you feel.

Oh, that would be awesome. Thank you so much and, everyone, Faith will be right back right after this.

Caregiver Stress Relief Through Hypnosis (Part 1)


Alzheimer’s and dementia expert Faith Marshall of Awakenings Hypnosis & Coaching talks about the benefits of hypnosis as an aid for families and family caregivers. Stress is always there, but not always self-care. What she loves about hypnosis is it is a shortcut to stress relief. Hypnosis helps our subconscious ignore negative thoughts and guides us in a positive way. A lot of people don’t understand what hypnosis is all about; they’re familiar with stage hypnosis where they heard of a friend who was barking like a dog on stage. We have our own subconscious routines, and we’re critical of ourselves or our actions, and that’s human nature. Hypnosis can help by creating a sense of calm, similar to meditation.

Watch this episode on YouTube.

Transcript

The following Answers for Elders podcast features, author, innovator, Alzheimer’s and Dementia Family Coach Faith Marshall.
And welcome everyone to Answers for Elders Radio, and we are here in the podcast network and here with wonderful Faith Marshall. And Faith is not only an Alzheimer’s and dementia expert, but she also works in the science of hypnosis and one of the things that I know we have probably know very little as a society about hypnosis and its benefits, and so I asked Faith to take some time and let’s spend a few segments here talking about what is hypnosis and how does it help families. So, Faith, welcome back to the show.
– Thank you Suzanne. So I just love being here. I enjoy it so much. Thank you.
– I love you being here too, and, certainly, learning about your approach and how you work with families, not only in senior care, but you know it really fascinates me, because family caregivers go through a lot. You know I know the statistics are overwhelming is like forty percent job loss and loss of pension benefits, financial pressures, the average caregivers, I believe, spends about eight sand dollars of their own money every year on just direct care, giving expenses just trying to be everything to everyone and oftentimes they put themselves last and so they’re in a situation, often times where they’re stressed out, they’re overwhelmed very much self different things. So faith tell me a little bit about you know. Obviously, you’ve worked with caregivers. What are you finding?
I think the stress starts before we even realize it starts. It starts when they start making changes in their own life to care for a love. One and they’re, like you, said, they’re adjusting their careers, they’re, adjusting their family life, and so there’s this underlying stress before you’re, even caring for the loved one at all M, and not just that builds and it self doubt so hard to put yourself first in anything right. We, as Moms, for instance, will always sacrifice for our kids and families are doing that for their love ones and there so there’s that tension that, just as starts every day underlying tension and then the day goes on and caring for a loved one can be rewarding you’re spending time with them. It’s a beautiful experience that I’ll cherish for ever, but the stress is always there and a self care is not something that we put first sure.
But what I love about hypnosis is it’s kind of a short cut to stress, relief and there’s a lot of different things that we can do as stress relievers, but hypnosis is helping our subconscious ignore those thoughts that are that are nagging us and causing US stress and helping to guide us through in a positive way and a lot of people don’t really understand what a hypnosis is all about: they’re familiar with the stage hypnosis, where they heard of a friend that was barking like a dog on stage and not having feeling in control and that kind of puts this. You know this this field in front of people sometimes as to whether they think it will work for them or there’s a resistance for it. But when you think about all the things that you do automatically without thinking getting in your car sitting down, what do you do? First, do you start the key? Do you put your seat, build on you have your own subconscious routine, that you do and we’re doing many things every day using our subconscious.
It’s interesting that you’re talking about this, because you know I have a career. I used to work for Tony Robins and a lot of the stuff that I mean he does incorporate Eric Sonian hypnosis into a lot of the technique. City uses and also nero linguistic programming. So that’s a lot of you know, modeling and, and you know, awareness and but it’s also about synapsid of you know. If you have a memory you’re looking up to the left, you have a creative idea, you’re looking to the right. So there’s a lot of things. If you’re internalizing, there’s a lot of things that can go on so I’m the reason why bringing all this up is that as a hypnotist, you probably notice a lot of things when you meet with the client that, just through their own behaviors, through the things that they’re saying that they may not even realize a that they’re saying to themselves or you know putting on themselves, is that the correct I mean is that ring true to you?
Exactly, Suzanne, we’re all guilty of negative self talk, and so we’re critical or critical of ourselves, and then we’re critical of our actions. Thinking that maybe we’re at fault for something that just happened, especially with caring for a loved one, you feel responsible. So then, you tend to think what could I have done differently, you’re looking for that self correction M and that’s that that’s human nature right so where hypnosis can really help is just creating that calm, we’ve all heard about meditation and how, if you meditate in the morning, it will help you through your day, because you’re just kind of in this little bit of a Zen state or at least you’re, giving your day a chance by starting that way, and the response I get from people after hypnosis is usually just a big wow. I have never felt so relaxed before and it’s a relief it’s this. The session itself is a relief and then whatever suggestions that that the client chooses to have help with, will help them subconsciously.
Well, and I think to one of the things that you know we’re all “wired differently.” However, I think I was lucky as a child, because I had an aunt. I got to tell you about this crazy aunt. I wish I wasn’t crazy, but she was amazing. She was my aunt Marty, but my aunt Marty all wish you to stay. Look for the diamonds look for the diamonds, and this is as a little girl and what did that mean was diamonds are rough right, but shined up. They’re amazing they’re gorgeous, right? So the point is: is that every single adversity or experience that you go to is more chiseling to make you a greater person right and so in my book I talk about this. It’s like I talk about when I was caregiving. I had the tools within myself K to look for the diamonds, and you know there was questions that I used to ask myself every day and I actually give at least a little cards that say look for the diamonds and it’s who did you help today that you know what was the greatest experience about today? How did you? What did you learn today? You know how did you you know what was what was I a moment that you can remember? That was good and you know what, if some days there aren’t many. I will agree with you, but if you can find one sliver in the day, I you’re better off to connect to that. In your mind, is that true, then, all focusing on all the negative, because that’s going to take you down the rabbit hole- and I mean that’s kind of when, when I look at someone that is quote unquote using hypnosis like you are you’re helping people with tools to function in their daily life. Is I mean? Am I on the right track when, when we’re talking about that?
Yes, so when we, when we have negative self talk, it’s very common to try to reverse that and use positive affirmations, and so hypnosis is about flipping to the positive right when a conversation with someone you’re hearing what they’re saying and then you’re helping them to reframe it. So it’s reframing as a very well known, hypnotist shared with me Tom Silver. It’s like you’re, putting in a new operating system. In some cases, if you it’s used a lot for PTSD, it’s used for helping you sleep, there’s so many things that it can be helpful with and you’re putting in a new operating system. It’s like your computer, you’re cleaning out the crap and you’re installing a new operating system and you’re starting fresh and the the client is, is part of that choice. What can we help you with it’s, not something where the hypnotist comes in and just start to reprogramming without them, you know knowing what the outcome is going to be it’s their choice as to what what do you want these suggestions to be? What would help you most right and those positive affirmations are a big part of that yeah and and thinking about too is. Is You know just talking about self talk? You may consciously be negative on yourself, but I do believe that there’s a lot of unconscious self talk that we’re giving ourselves oh yeah, maybe maybe the way even the way we sit or the way we you know we don’t participate in things. Maybe there was some fear there that that is holding us back from doing things or you know, especially the fight this family dynamics between that we may have in our families we’re having conversations with siblings or different things like that, and sometimes it’s really hard to just speak up for yourself. It’s getting that courage that that ability to believe in yourself to be able to get to the set. You know to a good quality of life, and I think that’s one of the things that hypnosis can really help with. I know in so many cases it’s about belief is that true I mean it yeah. They call that limiting self beliefs, and we all have those right so yeah that can be something to work on and it can also help them to feel better about themselves and also when you talk about speaking up and the world of caregivers being confident in asking for help and not feeling like you’re lacking somewhere. It is just you’re, tired and you’re tired for a reason, so asking for help is a blessing and it’s it’s a live and learn right. You’ve been there. You’ve learned it and now you’re learning to ask and finding that that’s okay can be part of a hypnosis session in it’s okay, to ask for help and dismissing some of that self chatter, where you feel like you’re, not worthy of help or your failing as to why you do need help, but it’s the hardest, unpaid job, I think in the world. Well, I always say care giving is one of the hardest things in the life you’ll ever do, but it’s also your greatest privilege, yeah and- and I think again, that’s re-framing right there. So right, it’s kind of where I live, and it’s probably a lot of it from my years of working with Tony, but in the meantime faith. How do we reach you? You can reach me at Faith Marshall, my author’s page or Awakening Hypnosis and coaching.
We are going to spend this hour talking about the benefits of hypnosis, how you, if you’re taking care of a family member or anything like that think about what are you saying to yourself? How are you living about your day? Are you what we say majoring in minor things where you’re just getting through the day or maybe your life could be improved a little bit better through this process? Faith will be right back right after this.

Putting a Plan Together (Part 4)


Family dynamics: how to be the most supportive and work well in the care of a senior loved one with Alzheimer’s. It’s more complex than it might seem.

In this segment, Faith Marshall of Awakenings Hypnosis & Coaching focuses on helping you find the best choices for your senior loved one and putting together a care plan for families to help them care for a senior loved one with Alzheimer’s.

Transcript

The following Answers for Elders podcast features author, innovator, Alzheimer’s and dementia family coach Faith Marshall. … And welcome everyone back to part four of this hour, as we’ve been talking about siblings, talking about how to work together in the best most effective way, with the wonderful Faith Marshall and Faith, you have been so helpful and brought up a lot of really key insights about where families are and what’s going on and what’s happening, and you know we’ve talked a little bit about. You know who’s on first, but then what happens? We have this final step. So now you know what is what goes next once we get that? Is there like a plan that comes up what what happens exactly? Thank you Suzanne. I say that it’s almost like a sports team, where each person has their responsibilities, and – a plan; – a game plan, exactly, and the game plan is the care plan and you need to be at like in playing sports. You need to be able to react to what’s happening, but you’ve got your key person, who’s, organizing and then each other team. Member has something that they can do to help and contribute, and that could be watching the bank account to make sure that money isn’t going where it shouldn’t. There’s i’d love to do another episode on elder scam, because there’s a lot of that that happens sadly, and and so you’ve got someone watching the bank account, you got someone else watching the pharmaceuticals you’ve got someone a key person who goes with them to the doctor’s appointments and tracks. What is changing and presenting the list of sim symptoms to the doctors, and then the other person might be doing the legal aspects of it like making sure there’s a power of attorney, making sure that there’s a financial plan managing that budget in so that you can see how long is the money going to last? What’s the income sources, what are the expenses? Do we have to plan for professional care that can be seventy five hundred to ten k a month? It’s a lot of those things if you can handle them and have them all on the table, it alleviates a little of that fear and allows you to prepare. So you do have to plan for i’d, say ten years and depending on when they’re diagnosed, if you plan that long, then at least you’ve got you’ve got your ducks in a row and you’ve got your game plan for the game, and you know what to look for for the next stages that the patient might be going through and managing the medications and- and all of that can also invio- involve some clinical trials. That can be very advantageous for the early stages. So there’s a lot of moving parts and if you have the plan it gives you a peace of mind. If you know who to call if you are the primary caregiver and you get the flu, you know who to call to figure out who’s going to come, pick up mom and take her for the day so that i don’t get her sick with whatever this is or take mom to the hair appointment. It could be something that you might have a full time job, but you can enjoy taking mom to the hair appointment and that can be your thing. Lunch and the hair appointment. I started doing doing mom’s nails myself and that was just my weekly visit. I became her nail care person and each sibling can come up with something that they do feel comfortable with. If it’s not interacting with the patient directly, it can be handling the prescription refills and making sure that that you have everything you need on hand. It can be staying on top of the depends orders it there’s just so many parts moving parts. I also want to encourage families to remember the person who is in the front line the primary caregiver, the the the person a of tema and bring them flowers and say: can i bring dinner so you don’t have to make it so. The most important thing in this journey is remembering the love. There’s a reason why you’re in the place that you need that you are in in supporting a loved one and if it’s a parent that sacrifice things for you, you may feel obligated to fact sacrifice for them, but that’s not really the main point. The main point is this: journey is heart felt and everyone’s dealing with their emotions, and if you can support the loved one first hand face to face, take time to do that, enjoy that journey with them. You’ll feel better in the end, if you did, then, if you let your if you, if you succumb to the fear- and you avoid interacting with them- because it’s too emotionally hard for you, but you just need to come together as a family support each other as well as the loved one, and do it with a heart, felt compact compassion. Yes, you might have to take a day off from work to go to the doctor. Yes, you might have to miss a soccer game of your kids, but it’s it’s go you’re going to enjoy this journey more. The more you interact and the more you support each other and embracing each other’s emotions, as you go is, is really critical, because if you know how your siblings feel- and if you can talk about it, then it just brings this continuity and harmony in embracing the journey, and none of us do well with friction and energy that comes from friction and fighting it. Just it’s not important any longer. Whatever happens, you know you got the hammed bicycle, who cares? It’s like just get over it and you put the dent in the car and johnny got blamed for it. It doesn’t matter any more, it doesn’t matter and you can make you can make jokes about those things and and walk through those and a family can really heal some of those wounds by coming together and dealing with this, and it’s not a quick one and done so. No, don’t try to pretend that it is right, it can derail a family and it can bring a family together, and i encourage people to do your best to just bring the family together and support one another and whatever that looks like for you, and sometimes there are family members that just don’t want to play. They want to sit on the side line and they want to curt criticize the coach just like they do their kids soccer or they want to criticize their sibling. I encourage them to just stop it, just not enough just support them. Keep your mouth shut, if you’re, if, if you’re not going to do anything supportive to help them just park it and and it sometimes it takes that mediation, but really it’s all about love m. A lot of fine is love and caring. I love that, and it’s also you know, i think about at the end of every show, i always say, be good, be good to each other, because i really think it’s really about being good to one another and having a be gentle and be, you know, have compassion because everyone has their own filters, their own experiences their own. You know you know ways of coping, and certainly i know for my the stuff that i had with my mom growing up when i think about all the hardship and the heartache that i put her through as a child and even into my adulthood. You know i live with that guilt every day, but the good news is is that i redeemed myself in her eyes right t care of her, and so it was care giving and being there for a loved one at the end of their lives is a wonderful way to redeem yourself. It’s a good way to find. You know find the good things about one another and recognize strength that you may not realize that one another has in a family yeah everyone’s different, even though we all have the same dna. You know our personalities are totally unique and now to make after different. You know aspects of our of our family members. Yeah things are important, yeah and- and you do like you said you have to put the ego aside, sometimes and just think about the loved one and think about what they need and and encourage each other instead of criticizing each other. So it makes a stronger team and a stronger family unit and it can’t be of beauty. It can be a beautiful experience m and i you know i couldn’t agree with you more and as we’re closing out this hour. It’s like faith, it’s like if you, if you could give one piece of advice and i’m kind of putting you on the spot right now, but it’s you know, you’ve talked about it’s all about love and i think that’s a wonderful way to almost you know, encapsulate what we’ve been talking about this hour, but using that as the framework, if you could o give one piece of advice to a family in that how? How would you? What would you say? Well, a simple way to put it is sometimes you just have to get out of your head and into your heart. Your head is trying to figure all this out and your heart is listening to is listening to the situation and embracing it and your head and your heart may not agree m. But if you, if you can make heart, felt decisions for the loved one and for your siblings and family, that’s a that’s a better place to be, and you feel better about it in the end. Just listen listening to your heart, and wouldn’t it be a great thing if families could find instead of spending so much time on why we can’t get along instead, how? How can we come together start asking the right questions, yeah, i’m between each other, and how can i help you is all you have to say is how can i help you yeah and just really to just change that mindset of how can we come together as a as a family and do best by our loved one, and i think that’s really what it right at what it really comes down to? Is that factor of love and support and understanding and compassion really yeah? That’s it so er faith. It’s been so great having you on the show today, and thank you so much. You know these. These are very, very powerful things to remember and helping cake take care of a loved one, and i know for all of us that have been through it like you and i there’s a lot of hindsight, 20/20, we learned from our experiences yep yep. Sometimes you just got to get out of your own way. I know so, but we’re here from for all of our families that are here that have loved ones, and so please, reach out to Faith.

Who’s Really on First (Part 3)


Family dynamics: how to be the most supportive and work well in the care of a senior loved one with Alzheimer’s. It’s more complex than it might seem.

In this segment, Faith Marshall of Awakenings Hypnosis & Coaching focuses on the senior loved one who’s being cared for, and how the dynamics follow the lead of the loved one; how they are dealing with the diagnosis. Patient-centered care is critical, and their daily circumstances, go where they want to go at that moment. Some siblings like to redirect them to the present, but eventually, you realize that this isn’t helpful, and move on and go with it. You never know what to expect.

Transcript

The following Answers for Elders podcast features author, innovator, Alzheimer’s and dementia family coach Faith Marshall. and welcome back everyone to part three of a four part series on family dynamics and specifically dealing with a love one that may be have has Alzheimer’s, dementia, or you’re just thinking about care transitions or how does the family get involved in doing the right thing by mom and dad, and we are here with the wonderful Faith Marshal who is a great coach, for better words, with families and Faith you work with families, obviously, in the beginning stages, the middle stages and probably throughout the process of the care of a loved one? And you know- we’ve talked this first hour. Our first half hour about you, know kind of the dynamic of you know the team family, and you know i guess what are your thoughts. You know that we’ve talked about it, but we haven’t really talked about the loved one themselves. So how does this? How does the love one play into the picture? Well, the loved one is really what this is all about and all of the other family dynamics, and all of that are really following the lead of the loved one where, where are they at where they at emotionally? How are they dealing with this diagnosis themselves? Do they even understand it, and one of the things that is critical is what’s called patient centered care, so the family has to come to terms with what is the best way to deal with this loved one and where they’re going in their mind and where? What? Where are they today and what are they talking about, they might be talking about, they need to go apply for a job. I need your help with this and you’re not trying to convince them. They don’t need a job they retired in you know in one thousand nine hundred and ninety nine, why did they need a job? It’s about? Okay? Well, why don’t we work on that after lunch or maybe a little bit of a it’s called redirecting them, but it’s really all about the patient. The patient is the one that this is all about and they’re the one who’s driving the bus and you just have to step in and go where they want to go today, and they can be perfectly fine one day and you can talk about the weather and you can not have any stress and then the next day they have the sense of urgency and they think they need to get a job, because their mother needs help and their mother might have been gone for twenty years, but they it’s where they’re at in their head and one of the things this illness does is it’s kind of a blessing. They go so far back in time that they’re like pulling stuff out of this hard drive in their head from years ago. My mom was telling me all about what dress she wore to prom and she never want had told me that before i hadn’t i heard stories i never heard before yea, so one sibling was always trying to redirect back to the present and then gradually. We all got on the same page where we realized that it didn’t matter who was right and he finally got to the point where it was like. You know it’s okay, mom mom would say. I don’t think i remember and he’d say it’s: okay, mom, you know you meet new people every day and you never heard the same joke twice. So we just kind of made made a joke out of it and and just kind of moved on right. But one thing is for sure in this journey. Is you really never know what to expect true true, and i think the other thing what you’re saying is so so true in the fact that you know above and beyond anything, no matter where you know what mindset your loved one is in they are, they have a right to their dignity. I think a lot of times. You know when you’re correcting- or you know- and i was guilty of this- you know i didn’t know any better, but if you’re trying to correct your loved one or make them feel bad because they don’t remember things or you know anything like that- that you know that is not the proper way to deal right and and have that element of check your own ego at the door beaaty. I think the other thing that happens with with you know, even though your loved one may be advanced in the advanced stages of all sobers dementia they’re, still going to press your buttons, oh yeah. You know i learned in my way of of dealing with my mom. There were times that i you know she would push my buttons and i just could feel the steamrising, and i just and i just said, i’m going to go for a walk, i’ll, be right, back mom, and then i would go around the block. You know where she was in the care facility and i would walk the whole bock around, and sometimes it was pouring down rain, ow and in rainy seattle, but it was good for me because i got me away from the scenario it got out and i was able to take a deep breath and sometimes i’d call a girlfriend, and- and that is the other thing that i always talk about, is if you have a friend that you’re, you know that you are close to, that is offered support to you in the care of your loved one. The best thing that you can have a friend do is be there for those times. You know and listen wit. I want you to be my greatest listener. I want to be able to vent with you. I want to go out to lunch and have you know have a glass of wine together. I want to be able to do things to to bring joy to my life because, right now i don’t have a lot of that, and that’s really you know those are the things when i, when i think about families- and you know how things happen, sometimes just being that sibling that says to that person, that’s on first taking care of that loved one. That’s rotten really on first is the fact of you know be there as just somebody to that is there to listen, i think is so valuable and it be that safe. You know, sanctuary that that person can call and say, you’ll, never guess what happened today, because exactly very strand don’t try to fix it because too many times in a conversation, people start offering you suggestions. If that’s not what you mean you there you’re googling all that stuff or you have a coach for that stuff. You just need someone to listen to. You can’t believe what she just did. She put all this. She put the corn flakes in the clothes dryer. It can be all kinds of you know, just like what the heck things yeah so need. Remember. My mom took my car keys. Luckily, i had a spare par at home, but she just took my car case one day and just took him out of the the admission or you know the ignition and and when i was parking and- and she just took him out and all of a sudden, she just took him and just flung him out the window i was like. I did nowhere and i just went, and i could never find him because it was this field out there right. I don’t even know what spurted on she was totally normal like for her for her normal right it these things happen, and it’s just like you have to just roll with the punches and be you know, and i had to call a friend and come get me so i could go get a tarte that could have just been simple as pushing your buttons. I was just like okay. Well, there are so many things that we can do to support the loved one yeah and one of the things that really helped my mom was dancing and that’s how i came up with the and remember when you feel the beat dance because of that. Well, she could be having this weird fun. She always wanted to go to work, so she didn’t want to be in her room when she did move into a assisted living and so a way to kind of circle. Her back was to play music. Sometimes she would sing along or hume. She was really good at humming and if it was something that had a good beat, she wanted to dance. It didn’t matter where she was because she had a history of dancing. She used to perform with the gadabouts and tap dancing and all of that as a senior. So it was finding finding what will ground them and bring them back to something that they find joy in, and i remember setting her down at the piano one time and she used to play the piano. She was afraid she didn’t want to try because she didn’t want to mess up, because she knew that she was having trouble with her memory. I just started playing chopsticks and then she started playing along, so you really never know where it’s going to go, but the main point is is giving them some joy, helping them find some joy whatever. That is as crazy as it may sound well, and you know what what better thing to do when, when you think about just to frame your mindset to say what can i do to bring joy to mom today, i remember when i went to go visit her when she was in skilled nursing. This is towards the end of her life and every time i went to visit her, i just swung by the local grocery store, and i grabbed a small thing of ice cream and root beer yeah. It was in the summer time and i would come every time i would visit. I would bring root beer floats yeah. That was like, oh my gosh, and what did that cost me like five dollars right? It was nothing, but it was everything to her, and you know those are just to think. Beyond of what can i do to bring joy, and i think i love that music is a wonderful thing to think about like what you’re saying dancing, they may not be able to dance due to mobility issues, but you could certainly you know, move in the chair with them or read a story or bring a photo album and look at you know, look at pictures from you. They may not recognize certain people and that’s okay, but it’s having that connection and it’s having that ability to. You know to really find a way to bring that smile to their right and know that you know life there’s a lot of things that we can do together right and then, when, when i was having difficulty, if i had a negative experience with mom, i was sometimes afraid to go back the next day. I knew logically she’s not going to remember it, but i did. I would take a friend with me to go visit because when someone else would come in that was a new face for her to see it was. She may not remember them either, but it it just changed the dynamic of the conversation. I would always remind people to please don’t just look at her and say: do you remember me or what is my name because you’re putting them on the spot and mom was really good of saying, oh look, who the cat dragged in or something just funny that was, she managed to keep her sense of humor yeah and s. She learned how to dance around the what’s their name and- or i would say, remember joan she’s here to visit you today and kind of give her that que so yeah, it’s just helping them, helping them to not feel awkward or ye’ll forgetful right right, yeah, yeah! Well, you know what we’re going to talk a little bit more about this on our last segment, and so everyone Faith is coming up right after this and we’re going to talk about again we’re here talking about siblings and how we can best be there as a family and how to put a plan together and part forts coming up right after this. Thank you.

First Steps to Treating Team Family (Part 2)


Family dynamics: how to be the most supportive and work well in the care of a senior loved one with Alzheimer’s. It’s more complex than it might seem.

In this segment, Faith Marshall of Awakenings Hypnosis & Coaching focuses on the first steps toward helping the whole family unit care for a loved one in need. The family needs to decide and respond to the one who’s going to be with the loved one most often, who is face-to-face with them. Sometimes the person who just has a ten-minute phone call with mom at lunch can see nothing amiss. The family needs to learn to honor the person who’s dedicated to taking care of mom day to day and respect their opinions.

Transcript

The following Answers for Elders podcast features author, innovator, Alzheimer’s and dementia family coach Faith Marshall. … And welcome everyone back to part two of our hour with the wonderful Faith Marshall, and we are here talking about family dynamics. How do you be the most supportive and you know, work together well in the care of a loved one, and this is really a much more complex situation than what we realize and faith if we’re really glad that you’re back and we talked a little bit about you know what goes on in families and how they process things and boy. You know when i was taking care of my mom, I could have used you twenty times over, because my family did not do well so anyway. So fill me and obviously we’re going to talk this segment a little bit about how you put together- and you had mentioned it- a term called who’s on first, and i want to come back to that because we didn’t really spend much time. What do you mean by that? Well, i think a family unit needs to kind of see where everybody falls in. It could even be the spouse of like if my dad was still alive when mom was diagnosed. He was kind of on on point and we had to support him right. So it’s who is the one that is going to be with the love one most often be it day today, assuming that they’re caring, they start out the journey carrying at home who’s who’s, the one who is face to face with the loved one, and i call them you know who’s on first m and because they are the one face to face the sibling who just calls on the lunch hour and talks to mom and has a good conversation which is possible in a ten minute phone call for them to kind of fake it. They tend to start to doubt the one that’s on first well, we need to just start out this whole team family so that they understand that you, you need to honor the person who’s, dedicating their time and taking care of mom, and you need to respect their opinion and they shouldn’t have to give you a count play by play of every reason and everything that mom said that that confirms the diagnosis that they have right, but many times it’s our own denial and we tend to challenge our own, siblings and and try to get through our own fear by doubting our sibling yeah and an noses. I think that if we already have issues with siblings, which is very common in families, these kind of issues sometimes can be magnified and you know, there’s a lot of dynamics and triangulation and passive aggressive type scenarios that happen within families and certainly that’s really difficult to put those aside without somebody to kind of say you know: here’s the boundaries, here’s the rule right, you know you know, and what i really like about you using this is a is a metaphor because it is like you you’re, not in the family, dynamic y r. Your job is to get out of it and to perform. You know a function or you know be a team member right being that team member is really key and giving helping families be aware to put the other stuff aside, and that necessarily isn’t the easiest thing to do. Well, i it’s like co workers in a way someone gets sick who’s going to fill in and it’s it’s. It doesn’t always work that smoothly, but it’s almost like you need an agreement, whether it has to be on paper or just a handshake, but an agreement as to who’s going to step in, if big sister, you know, has an emergency with her kids or whatever might happen. You have to have the plan b and someone that can help, and you you also all need to agree whether the patient themselves can be left alone or not, so that everyone understands that the one who’s on first can’t just go to a doctor’s appointment themself as easily as they used to, and- and it’s really sad that usually the person who’s on first sacrifice is their own health, their their finances, and all of that like yes, like you did, is they make sacrifices that the other siblings may not be aware of either, and the big thing is to try to reduce any resentment that comes up during this, but it is very, unfortunately, it’s very common, so you’ve now been thrown into business with a siblings who you wouldn’t have gone into business with, because you all think quite differently. Well, you know it’s interesting what you’re saying this, because i can relate to a scenario my mom was from the rat pack generation. As you know, she you know had her two martinis every night. You know that was her. My mom was shard and a yeah. Well, there you go same say same thing and to the point where she got pancreatitis and older and of course it was really it will. Once that happens it doesn’t. The disease doesn’t go away, but the thing was i that i was you know, buying her vodka because at what she wanted, you know, and so this was the dynamic in the family. I was a primary caregiver right and i didn’t want her to live to die a painful death because that’s a very, very, very painful to death. Yes, that way, and so i set boundaries. I said you know what i’m not going to buy you any more vodka, and i had my sibling that said i’ll, let her drink. You know- and it wasn’t think i am very grateful for my cousin who was visiting at the time- and she did say you know what does it matter, what you think suzanne’s the one that is taken care of mom exactly. I therefore guess what we’re going to do and and we need to support her, and so that means nobody in the family. We are not going to drink in front of you. We’re not going to buy you alcohol, we’re not going to do this. If i see any alcohol in your prevent presence, i’m going to pour it down the sink, and i just told her all the things i’m going to do. I didn’t tell her that she had to stop drinking. It was like an intervention, but i basically told her that i want her to live and and i’m not going to participate in this again yeah. It was interesting because my mom went okay and she stopped drinking, which was amazing, but my sister in law, who felt differently than the sad part, was because this is family dynamics. She stopped visiting my mother m because they used to sit drink together, see so that was an interesting dynamic and certainly when i sit back and i look at how that works within families, it’s it’s it’s hard, yeah, it’s hard for everybody to get on the same page, but you’re right in the fact that my family ultimately had to do what i said was going to have yeah yeah you bring that up. It reminds me of a client that said that they were watering down mom’s martinis and then mom was just like who’s making these drinks. This is awful. No, i know dimension had set in it. She know this is what are you doing to my martini? That’s i, my mom would say i have a margerita and then i’d go to the server. Luckily, my mom was hard of hearing and i’d go firkin. Please and they’d laugh ye. Well, you do the point. Is you do what you have to do to manage a one’s care and we don’t always all agree on it, but you do what you think is right and exactly, and it can be any number of those things that you think is right and the and the siblings and the family need to honor your decision, because the one that deals with the outcome, alcohol can definitely create more havoc when sundowners hits in the early evove. There’s all kinds of aspects to this, so so tell me a little bit. What are the first steps? You know once you get a family together and you realize who’s on first and you’ve got people in a room. What’s the first steps to re, creating kind of that dialogue? Well, the first thing that’s important is that they trust me and so getting to know. Each other is really the first stop so learning my history and what would got me to be quote, unquote, expert or considered an expert and developing those individual relationships with each family member, because each of us are unique because at some point in this journey i become the mediator and i may be doing coaching with a family member on why this might be a better approach than what just happened and let’s role play this and see how this can be handled better, so nobody’s throwing anything or whatever might have just happened. So that’s the first thing is really the acquaintance and getting to know families and then there’s always a key person like i mentioned that we’re trying to support and that can be the patient spouse. It can be a daughter, a son, it can be a granddaughter, it can be a niece. I mean i’ve seen a neighbor in the all yeah yeah yeah. So it’s whoever has the time andd the compassion to be able to step in and do this and then you know, there’s a point in time where care at home isn’t always an option. If there’s a lot of friction so then outside you know, cars is considered or hiring someone to come in. So do you do like touch bases with families to like, for example, as things progressed, maybe there’s challenges with. What’s what do we do next kind of thing? Are you always yeah? It’s it’s like presenting a road map. What do you need now and what do you need next? If they see the whole ten year journey that that can be really overwhelming? You know it’s going to last a long time, but just what do i need to worry about next and then keeping track yeah they’ll always be able to reach out to me schedule, appointments, quick text, messages or communication on going communication, however, that, however, it works and you do to work with families, you don’t you can do that via zoom. So wherever you are in the united states, if you have a family, you know if your families are stretched out across the united states, there’s still things that people can be involved in if you have siblings elsewhere and if you’re involved. So that’s, i think, one of the great things about how you work with family’s faith. Is you really can bring everybody together and through the miracles of technology yeah and the one thing that covin taught us was how to do that, but many times family members are not all residing in the same city as the patient, either so yeah, it’s essential to be able to communicate and right and keep things rolling so right. Well, we’re very excited again to keep exploring this topic so as as you’re listening to this podcast, everyone think about your own family and even if you’re loved one, your senior love, one may not have dimension, may not have Alzheimer’s, but do you know who’s going to be on first when that time comes who’s going to be that unit, and maybe some of these dialogues can happen early before things happen, and those are some things that we’re going to keep exploring through this hour and part three is coming up right after this. Thank you so much.

Impact of Alzheimer’s Diagnosis on Family (Part 1)


This hour focuses on family dynamics, and how to be the most supportive and work well in the care of a senior loved one. It’s more complex than it might seem. Faith Marshall of Awakenings Hypnosis & Coaching talks about changes that happen within families when a senior loved one is first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Typically the family has previously noticed some symptoms but some might be in denial about what it means.

Transcript

The following Answers for Elders podcast features author innovator, Alzheimer’s and dementia family coach Faith Marshall … And welcome everyone to Alzheimer’s, and we are here with the wonderful dementia coast expert author publish author, you name it, Faith Marshall, I’m so glad you’re back, and I am really excited to talk about this hour’s topic, which is we’re going to talk about families and siblings, and you know kind of the whole unit around someone that may be suffering with Alzheimer’s and dementia and how to be most supportive as a family unit and so Faith, welcome back. I know you work with a lot of families, and you know this is a really wonderful topic for us to talk about. Yes, thank you! So much Suzanne, it’s always a joy to be here. Well, i love having you here because we have you know one of the things that happens when somebody’s diagnosed with dementia or al seiners. It affects the entire family and especially, if that’s the matriarch or the patriarch of the family. Maybe they are the pillar of the family, things kind of evolve around mom or dad’s house, and all of a sudden mom gets alzheimer’s. What happens? Typically, what happens in a family when that when that goes on? Well, when, when it happens, typically, the family has started to notice some symptoms before the formal diagnosis and we go through this fear and denial and everybody’s not always on the same page. The person who’s dealing with the patient most is more aware of the different contrasting things that can happen. There’s a whole list of ten symptoms that people can watch for and there’s a lot of help around that. But what typically happens is it’s your mommy and you don’t want this. You don’t want this diagnosis and we want to fix it, and so, in my case there were three of us and my dad said: there’s something wrong with your mom in the head. That was his explanation, yeah and she was looking for a dog they hadn’t had for ten years and and so we started paying attention and it was a few years before we had the formal diagnosis m, and in my book i talked about my my trip to phoenix with mom, and i titled that chapter forgetful and finish because that was the moment in time when i realized that this is real. This isn’t all my denial had to be parked aside. When she looked at me and started talking about her daughter- and i was like wait- a minute you’re looking right at me and you’re talking to me and telling me about your daughter, and so you have. Each person has their own emotional experience right with that diagnosis, and so it takes a little bit of time for families to get on the same page and figure out how to deal with it because they’re not all at the same starting point, absolutely so helping them get there independently, as well as a group there’s, usually someone who steps up like you did with your mom. You just decided that’s what needed. That’s what you needed to do and you did a huge pivot to do that, and many of us do yeah and statistically. Sixty percent of caregivers are women. Part of it is the demographic and you know the age and whether they worked outside of the home or not, and all of that i think we’re way beyond that in this in this current times, but there’s still a little bit of those assumptions that i think it’s expectation to right in a family, but you know i remember when my mom was having to be taken quote unquote taken care of. I remember. First of all, my mom- and i never got along is you know, is my growing up. We were like oil and water, i was my dad’s girl, my mom and dad were divorced, so she resented the fact that i was like my father yeah. So that was interesting and i remember just feeling like every time she would call it was sometimes i feel like it was nails on a chalkboard, because there was so much criticism and negativity, and you know that type of you know my mom was very demanding and very you know, just very things had to be a certain way and i and i was so opposite to her. She was she was reserved. She was controlled. You know as a person she saw spoken and here’ss me out there right. So what was interesting, though, is- i remember the shift in me when i walked into the er and saw her laying on a gourney and when she had broken her pelvis and they had to send her to a rehab and all these things that had happened. That and i had driven up from seattle to anna cortis, to my home town, and i saw her, and i remember that feeling of all of the inks that i felt before kind of just left me. It was like, i don’t know what happened to me magically, but there was something that happened to me where all of that just made no difference, and it was like now it’s the time for, and i almost saw her as like this fragile little bird yeah, that i needed d. Do you relate to that a little yeah yeah? It is there’s like this threshold when you crash over it and you realize that they do need, they do need help and there- and this is not intentional nos- is just something that has happened and they need help and they need support, and we do we is, you know, as i’ve said, pull up your big go, girl, panties and you just do it yeah, and and i’m grateful for that, that awareness when we when we recognize and we honor, that our love land needs something they didn’t need before and yeah it’s. You stepped over that hurdle of a relationship issue, and that is so common. It’s like it’s it’s it’s a shift. It’s an emotional shift and it’s a whole different part of the grief process of watching someone vanish from who they were to who they are well and that shift within that family caregiver. Let’s just say that persons made that shift we’re talking about siblings, the hanso, the family changes the dynamic changes, because you know little sister may say to big sister, mollie, hey, you never took care of momor never got along with mom. Why are you now all of a sudden stepping up to do this or you know, there’s all these different types of dynamics within families that happen, because everybody’s changing and the landscape is changing? Is yes very much so, and so the families have to first get over that sense of denial and fear, and the fear lasts for a long time. Quite honestly, as each new phase happens, but they need to kind of figure out. What can we do? Can we pull together who’s working full time? It’s like starting a business yeah, it’s looking at what are your strengths? What are you good at my brother was great with finances, so he immediately took over all the finances and the banking and all of that and then another and another one was counting pills and making sure the pharmaceuticals were in order, and it was about sharing those duties, and it didn’t mean that that person had to be actively present no hearing, but you can manage remotely and it’s just navigating that and getting all on the same page, and i can honestly say it does not happen quickly, nor many families, but i think it’s also important that everybody feels like they have a role right in the process and- and certainly you know with with what you do to help facilitate that- tell me a little bit about how you work with families to help that out. Well, the first consult would be just how many siblings are there? What like i? What are they good at? Where are they at in this process? Where are they geographically and help figure out, and it’s a lot of listening to start with because it could be, you know, johnny got th the new bike. I always got the hammen, or, i guess, finds of stuff comes up when we start dealing with our siblings. So do that oftentimes with the senior present or not, or how does it do mat does it depend or how usually, what is the typical there’s? Usually one person that reaches out first and it’s usually the same person that stepped up to do care, giving okay or it’s the sibling, who wants to make sure that their big sister can handle it and they’re concerned about it. So it’s mostly just navigating who’s on first who’s, who’s going to help manage things. How are we going to do it and how are we going to communicate and in some in some cases, depending on the stage of diagnosis, it’s good to talk about all of those things that are going to directly affect the loved one right and have them participate as long as possible. You’re not going to take their carkis away without them, knowing it you’re not going to all of a sudden, take over paying their bills, there’s a dance between who’s going to help and how they’re going to help, because none of us want to have our independence taken away. So it’s a, i think i think communication is so val, vital right now, right in everything that everyone’s kind of open with what’s happening, and so that there’s an ongoing dialogue and certain you can help facilitate that yeah and- and i encourage people to use like a google spreadsheet for finances. So everybody knows where the money’s going money is typically a big concern. They don’t know how much money mom has how she’s going to pay for it. You know, and and just keeping it up out in the open, instead of one person being accused of. Why did she need to have her nails done every week and and things like that that came up with our family? It’s because she still enjoys it. You know- and i think the big thing is like you said, communication we used email so that we weren’t verbally discussing things in front of the loved one. So mom didn’t hear us fighting because then they still pick up on that energy, even if they may be at a stage where they don’t understand. What they’re saying, if you’re, having harsh words with a sibling, the loved one, will pick up on that. So there’s so much to this, and i’m excited to share in these episodes today how we can help families well- and we are very excited, obviously to have you as a team member on answers for alders radio and to each a every one of you. If you have family members that are taking care of a senior love one, it doesn’t even really have to be that they have dementia, there’s all different types of issues that goes on in a family as a senior you know made decline in health or things like that, or maybe you just want to utilize faith for just a touch base consultation. You actually do some consultation tino. I do and of the consultation that you do for answers for elders. I have an offering for a $200 gift certificate that you can use for your first consultation with me and see if i can help you and it’s listening to you, seeing where you’re at where you, where your love one not and what the situation is and just kind of sloping out how i can help support you, and i would love to do that Suzanne. Well, i’m excited to talk further about this this hour and everyone faith will be right back and part two right after this.